5 Things grown women should remember before a girl's night out

 After the hard yards of early mummy-hood, when the babies are no longer on boob, the nights aren’t so sleepless and 'the day after' involves school or pre-school, mummies everywhere are taking advantage and heading out for a good old-fashioned hoo-ha.  A bunch of girls, a bunch of drinks, and a bunch of laughs.  I did one of these last week with some of the best and funniest chicks in the world, and it reminded me there are some things grown women seem to forget somewhere between that fourth drink and home time that really ought to be remembered... 

 

1.     YOUNG MEN DON’T NEED LIFE COACHING – At some stage during the night, some poor bastard – often a waiter, bar person or the bloke you ‘borrowed’ a cigarette from because you don’t smoke – ends up at your table copping an earful of advice. They seem to like volunteering information about the girlfriend who wants to have kids/doesn’t want to have kids/wants to get married/won’t get married/the girl they’re trying to chase/dump etc. As the motherly mothers you are, you can’t help but offer your incredible wisdom, loudly, and generally all at once. Imagine your husband sitting there while 4 half drunk buzzards screech their recommendations for his future!?! It’s an unusual phenomenon, but weirdly, it often results in a prize - a couple of cigarettes for later consumption, an extra bottle of wine or in special cases, a discount on your bill!    

2.     BOUNCERS REALLY DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR ID – Bouncers ask for ID from people who look under 21.  You have had children.  You have bags under your eyes.  You have a skirt that covers more than your arse and are carrying a jacket for later when it gets cold.  YOU ARE CLEARLY OVER 21!  They’re not going to ask, so keep it in your wallet.  Under no circumstances should you pull it out and ask them if they want to have a little look, as this will result in the suggestion that you and your friends  move right along because you are clearly too intoxicated to attend this very classy establishment. 

3.     IT’S STILL NOT COOL TO DANCE AROUND YOUR HANDBAGS – In fact, I don’t even think having a handbag is cool.  I don’t know where girls carry their crap these days, but no-one seems to have a bag.  They don’t shove money and lipstick down their tops either, because there’s not enough fabric to hold it there. It could be shoved down their FMBs – the only thing that covers a significant amount of flesh.  My husband once told me that I was obviously the oldest woman in the bar because I was wearing a scarf.  I said it was winter.  He just said ‘you’re old’.  But back to the bags.  Don’t put them on the floor.  Don’t step touch around them.  Don’t flash-dance, slam dance or attempt to pole dance around them either.  They’ll just get beer and vomit and shoe muck on them anyway, and by now your bag should be expensive enough that you don’t want that kind of crap anywhere near it.  Put your money in your bra.  At least you’re wearing one.

4.     RESTAURANTS DON’T SERVE FOOD AFTER 10PM NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BEG – Because you shared the mezze plates or went for the set menu tapas, and because you spent most of your time either talking or drinking, when midnight hits (unless you’re on the dance-floor with your money down your bra) you’re absolutely starving and there’s nowhere to get food.  You can beg the guys putting chairs on tables, you can ask to see the manager and you can tell them you’ll put your complaint in writing, but no-one, I repeat no-one, is getting back into a kitchen to make you a meal.  Especially not the way you look by this time sister, no matter how hot you thought you were 6 hours ago. 

5.     PIZZA, KEBABS AND MEAT PIES HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN THE WORLD – After the final restaurant rejection, you realise you’ll need to embark on a search for the best food you can possibly find.  The smell usually gets you first, but only after an infinite period of walking, after which time you’re pretty much ready to eat your own leg.  Hence, regardless of the type of food you find, it will taste like absolute heaven, and you will eat lots of it, very quickly, speaking loudly about how good it is to anyone who’ll listen.  The next day you’ll have happy recollections of this clandestine activity, as will those around you, as the whiff of garlic wafts up now and then as a reminder.  One word of warning: avoid Indian Take-Away at all costs, especially Chicken Tikka, otherwise, you may find a little more than a whiff popping up to remind you of the night before!