5 things that are NOT unisex

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In the age of metrosexuals, man-scaping and mankinis, when is enough enough?  I know not all blokes are blokey and I fully support a bit of healthy man-tenance, but some things are just plain womanly. At the risk of being politically incorrect or uncool (again), I’m going for some old fashioned sexual stereotyping, and asking why we women can’t just keep some things for ourselves. Things that are, well, womanly. Like these 5 things…

1.     Long fingernails – This one is funny because some men have nice, manicured slightly long fingernails that are neat, clean and polished, while other men have long filthy ones that show they can’t be bothered looking after themselves. I don’t know which is worse. Then there’s painted nails – a hot trend for young hipsters and try-hard middle-agers that’s 50 shades of wrong. Probably the worst of all is the intentional long pinky nail, which we all know can only serve two purposes. One involves the nose and boogey, the other involves the nose and white substances. When it comes to nails, men only need to trim them, and keep them clean. Surely that’s not too much to ask? 

2.   Earrings: Not even George Michael and Andrew Ridgely could pull this off, and that was the 80s. Earrings are eternally womanly, and moreso in both ears. Embarrassingly, my husband once sported this look (again, the 80s), and tried to revive it for a fancy dress last year. I was mortified. He even tried to re-pierce the closed holes. Even more mortified. He thought it was hilarious. If you’re a pirate, earrings might match your look. If you’re a heterosexual suburban dad with a 4WD, a surfboard and a bus-pass to get to work, give it up and leave earrings for the ladies.

3.     Rolled up jeans: Fashion forward young men everywhere - and they really are everywhere – seem obsessed with showing off their ladylike ankles. Mankles. They roll up their stovepipe jeans, which look great in black, but are now appearing in mustard, beige or ‘brick’, and they go sockless. Their mankles are sometimes hairless too, because their legs are waxed, but more on that later. Unless you’re a founding member of One Direction, or you’re running along the beach in an Enrique video-clip, please don’t roll your jeans up.  Especially if they’re tight.  It’s effeminate.

4.     Sandals and sarongs – Not if you’re in Hawaii, Tahihti or Tonga. Actually maybe Tonga, but only if you’re Tongan. Jesus, of course sported sandals wherever he went, but he had the good sense to pair them with a toga, not a sarong that showed his moobs. Those ‘sport’ sandals that cost $2.50 from Phuket markets might be OK for men who are backpacking around Asia and can’t stand trekking in 38-degree temps wearing sneakers and socks. They’re also acceptable because of the holiday clothing paradox whereby you often wear things you wouldn’t be caught dead in at home. But the sarong? Not even on holiday. What's wrong with shorts?

5.     Hair Removal – I’ve known men who have their backs or necks waxed, and that’s OK, because you feel for a dude who looks like they’re wearing a T-Shirt when they’re actually naked. Then, after the glam-rock days of the 90s, hairy chests started disappearing (Jon Bon Jovi, anyone?) and body hair on men started going waaaay out of fashion. In the 90s, the ‘back, sack and crack’ wax found popularity, and it simply hasn’t stopped. Now they get their eyebrows and legs waxed too! Is this going to far? Aren't men men because they’re hairier than women?  It’s hormonal. It’s animal. It’s one of those things men are just supposed to have and women...well, hopefully we have less.  

The bottom line is, I love men who look after themselves. I love men who know how to dress even more, but I still like men to look like men. Having said that, after I wrote this list, I watched last week's recording of channel 10's  Can of Worms. Kris Smith – that gorgeously pruned and plucked specimen of modern manliness was wearing… rolled up jeans with no socks! I saw his mankles and they looked hairless. And he still looked like a man. A really, really, really, reaaaaally good looking man. And that might just be the key...

5 things every woman should know about waxing

Last week I went in for my 5-weekly ‘wax job,’ which involves some form of bikini wax (stock-standard, G-string or Brazilian), plus an eyebrow tidy up.  After this particular episode, I somehow walked away with a piece of skin missing from my thigh crease, and two days later was sporting a mask of about 23 pimples across my forehead, including a trio of spots between my eyebrows and my nose ridge which I’m now referring to as the ‘Bermuda Triangle.’  While I continue to wonder why we bother with this painful and dangerous beauty ritual, I’m offering up my 5 best waxing tips for those of you who are brave enough to continue this now ancient tradition...

1.     BEWARE OF PIMPLES – As you grow older gracefully, may you find peace in the knowledge that you’re never too old for a pimple.  Or ten. Waxing of any facial region can bring them on. Thankfully I've no need for a mo’ wax, but God help those of you who do. The pimples (which are actually whiteheads) appear only sometimes and strike a few days after the wax.  I have no idea what triggers them – a different type of wax?  Your skin on the day?  The soothing product afterwards?  Who knows?  And sorry, this one’s clearly not a tip.  I have no help to offer and am still trying to cover my spotty brow and keep myself from squeezing.(Beauticians – any advice?  Please comment!)

The lovely smelling Bump eRaiser

2.     BEWARE OF IN-GROWNS– These are on a par with pimples and can be painful, ugly, and can get awfully infected (though at least they’re not on your face for the world to see).  I get the odd ingrown, but they're a big problem for some people, especially if you're going the whole hog. My awesome waxing lady Michelle from Belle Isle in Manly recently put me on to this stuff called Bump eRaiser, which works a treat to keep in-grown hairs at bay.  Even if you do get the odd one, Bump eRaiser seems to soften them so much they just fall out.  It smells lovely too, which is a bonus.  Highly recommended.

3.     IT WILL ALWAYS HURT – I’ve been waxing for what – 20 years now? - and it STILL hurts!  No matter what they tell you, being waxed more frequently doesn’t make the hair finer nor the process less painful.  It hurts every time and more if you’re pre-menstrual, so don’t go that week!  Some people recommend taking a Nurofen about an hour before your appointment to relax your muscles a little.  I’m not a big fan of painkillers if they're not totally necessary, but if you don’t mind, I hear it really helps.

4.     DON’T BOTHER WITH DISPOSABLE UNDIES IF YOU’RE GOING BRAZILIAN – Seriously, there’s no point.  It will be pushed aside, away and may as well not be there.  Just get naked.  It helps if you’ve had a baby, because you’ve already had several strangers get acquainted with you down there and you probably don’t care as much.  You’ll want to find a ‘specialist’ - someone who does this all the time and is very quick – both with the wax and the timing (like Michelle). No one wants this experience to last any longer than it needs to! You’ll also want to know your beautician preeetty well, trust them, and trust the cleanliness of the salon, because there’s not much room for prudishness, queasiness or dignity! 

5.     DON’T BE BULLIED INTO A BRAZILIAN – When they first became the hot new thing, everyone was doing it and I still wonder why.  I get that Brazilian chicks get about in really tiny bikinis, but the rest of us generally don’t, and we don’t participate in Mardis Gras with feathery headdresses and tassels either (though that would be fun).  Lots of young chicks are ‘going Brazilian’ purely because the young blokes expect it which just ain’t grand.  Everyone’s heard the claim that most Gen Y males haven’t even seen a naturally hairy v-jay jay, which is a bit creepy, partly because totally hairless is just plain weird and also because it reeks of porn industry imagery.  Some beauticians push it too, and even among girlfriends it’s almost a dare or a physical challenge to see if you’d go there.  It’s fine and fun when it’s your own choice, but it’s a big, invasive and very personal deal that you probably don’t want to go through if you’re doing it for some other reason. If you have teenage girls, you probably want them to think about all this first too.

So I’ve gone all mummy at the end, but I can't help it! As a mother of two young girls and a friend and relative of several teenage ones, I can’t help but throw in a dose of concern and protection for the next gen of chicks.  It’s our job as the older, more experienced, still stupidly waxing 20 years later women, to share and pass on this kind of wisdom.  So there you have it.  Go forth and share!