5 Things to love or hate about a Club Med holiday

How good is this shot?

We recently returned from a much needed and long-awaited family holiday. Eight days at Club Med Bali. People smirked when we told them. Some laughed outright. One actually said he wouldn't speak to me again. What's with the snobbery? I have five and six year old daughters. I'm not a backpacker. I'm not looking for a cheap full-leg tattoo and disappointingly I'm not in the market for a yoga retreat. Club Med was the only place I looked at. Judge after reading...

1.  IT'S FRENCH - Of course. You'll love this because it means delicious baguettes, loose-layered croissants and a variety of smelly, creamy scrummy cheeses. A week later, you may hate it for these exact reasons when you look at the size of your new arse. You may also hate the fact that the many French staff seem to be employed with the sole purpose of kissing the arses of French guests. Aussies don't get this treatment. We get a weird 'hellooo' each time we cross paths, which I actually preferred, because it left me free of bullshit small-talk with the handsome young strangers, whilst allowing me to appreciate their buns in tight white pants from afar. Pity there was no French Champagne though.

2.  MINI CLUB - There's nothing to hate about mini-club. It runs from 9am till Midnight (!), and the kids can go in or out whenever they like. Every day has a new theme and every evening ends with a spectacular spectacular from the kids or from the mini club organisers. Either way, parents can loll about in comfy lounge chairs drinking cocktails and clapping excessively when their kids hit the stage. The excessiveness of clapping is dependent on the number of cocktails consumed. It goes without saying that our children frequently received the amount of applause normally reserved for A-list mega-stars.

3.  ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - Club Med or not, you either love it or not.  I'm a notter, but even I was impressed on day 1. The Club Med smorgasboard is outrageously over the top. There are food stations for Chinese, Italian, Japanese, French and Indonesian cuisines. You mix these with a selection from the carvery, bakery or salad bar and top it off with a visit to the dessert bar. Embarrassingly, my partner and his travel pal made animals of themselves day and night. Not surprisingly, each brought home an extra 5kg and it wasn't in their luggage. If you love stuffing your face and have a 'something for nothing' mindset, you'll love Club Med smorgasboard. I just can't do overeating anymore, and wondered continuously about the over-consumption and wastage in comparison to the lacking about 100m down the road, but I guess that's typical of western hotels in third world countries, not just Club Med.

Every night, a new extravaganza to occupy them

4.  OPEN BAR - ALL DAY!  - The same unnamed person who put on 5kg also started each day with a poolside Bloody Mary. He finished it in the same place with a Margherita. LOVE THIS! The bar is open for a refreshing bevvy any time of day and it's all covered in the cost. While the sensible among us waited for an appropriate hour to relax with a Vodka and Lemon soda, the ability to have a few, poolside, beachside, inside or outside was marvellous. It was even better to do so knowing your children were safe, nearby and having just as much fun as you, only without the vodka. No need for unknown babysitters, late night taxi back to your hotel or a 'what to do after dinner?' scenario. There are activities for the kids till midnight, a show for all guests every night and your room is a short stumble through a beautiful garden away. What's to hate? Crap, crap, crap wine. That's all.

5.  THE CLUB MED SONG - It's so tacky it's hilarious. Every night, at the end of the show, the 'Chef of the Village' (hilarious in itself), leads the entire audience in a dance routine to one of the most kitsch songs imaginable. This is intended to kick off the evening celebrations, although at 10.30pm, it was our signal to hit the sack before the kids hit the wall. Again, you love it or hate it. Me?  I loved it! Just as you wear things you wouldn't normally be seen dead in, floss around without a skerric of make up and see how long you can get away without doing your hair, you get in there and fully embrace this kind of holiday kitsch - it's the stuff you will always remember. 

The verdict?  I couldn't imagine a more relaxing holiday with young kids. Once booked, you don't have to think of a single thing. There's no planning, scheduling, driving, running for buses, haggling for taxis or deciding where to eat. You can do as much or as little as you want. You come and go as you please. Your children are safe and entertained ALL the time.  I had me at 'you don't have to think,' and as far as mums go, I'm sure I'm not the only one. I heart Club Med. 

5 things to give instead of chocolate at Easter

If your house is anything like mine, when the bunny visits this week you’ll find yourself with an everlasting and overflowing stash of chocolate goodies that you’re ‘saving for the kids’ in a cupboard up high where they can’t be reached.  The kids will never see these ‘gifts’ because they’ll disappear down you or your partner’s big gobs on lonely Friday nights over the next few months.  SHAKE IT UP this Easter!  Give the kids something to do, see or play.  Throw in a few tiny choccies so you’re not forever known as the demon aunt, and you'll find that you're giving to the parents as well…just not to their waistline.   Check it out…

Our awesome creation from last year.

1.    EASTER CRAFTS – Hit your closest two-dollar shop and you’ll find a mega range of everything Easter.  From paintable foam eggs to cut out chickens, baby chicks, streamers, ribbons, glitter sparkles and anything else you might use for decorating.  Grab a stash of stuff and pop them into one of the beautiful Easter boxes also for sale at these wonderful establishments and voila!  Another non-edible Easter gift for the rascals that will keep them busy.  Along similar lines, you could invite a bunch of kids over and have an Easter-craft day, making hats, bunnies, eggs etc. Everyone gets to take their creation home, and OK, and maybe a little choccy egg or two as well!

2.     MOVIE TICKETS – I don’t know how much you spend on Easter Eggs, but it definitely adds up!  If you have a special kid or two in your life, you might want to consider movie tickets.  Again, every Easter comes with a school holiday and a mum scratching at ideas for things to do.  Don’t waste money on a crappy soft bunnies and eggs with gooey orange centres.  Buy a couple of movie tickets and you’re giving the kids something to do in the Holidays AND a holiday activity that mum or dad don’t have to pay for!

3. ACTIVITY BOOKS – a retro classic?  No!  Kids still love to do puzzles, word games, connect the dots and find the difference.  There are activity books for all ages from toddlers to school age.  There are ‘cool’ ones too, for the kids who think they’re too big for this kind of thing.  Practically every kids movie or TV show will have it’s own activity and or sticker book out there somewhere from Star Wars to Megamind, Toy Story and (already) The Lorax. These will keep kids busy and quiet during the holidays too, especially on rainy days, which helps mum and dad endlessly.      

Yes, she's real!  This is my little Easter Bunny.

4.     EASTER COSTUMES – I know I keep going back to the two-dollar shop, but at this time of year, it’s the place to be!  On their bountiful shelves, you will find Easter masks, hats, bunny ears and even the full bunny get up.  This one is probably more for the younger tots, but let me tell you, the more dress-ups they can have in their dress-up boxes the better.  They will love dressing up on the day, and for weeks and months afterwards when their mates come over to play.  For this reason, you may need to invest in a few el-cheapo costumes – you don’t want a bunch of bickering bunnies in the house! 

5.     HOME MADE EASTER BISCUITS– This is still foody, still sugary, but less likely to be stored and consumed by mums and dads.  Find a basic cookie or biscuit recipe and get busy in the kitchen with the kids.  Use Easter biscuit cutters to make shapes; you can easily find eggs, bunnies and chickens at most homeware shops.  The kids love cutting the shapes and decorating with whatever you see fit; smarties, sprinkles, choc chips.  You can then put them in cellophane bags with pretty ribbons, or paper boxes with stuffed with straw (again, the good old two dollar shop!).  Get creative.

Enjoy the holidays, stay sane and have a HAPPY EASTER!