5 of the best things about 'back to school'

As if going back to school isn’t mish-mashed enough with the happy/sadness of it all. We’ve had a staccato kick off to the school year, with days on and days off, early starts, early finishes, junior side, senior side, short days, long days a birthday and even a sick day thrown in! Oh the uncertainty! So when I woke up yesterday to our first full day of our first full week of school for both children, I breathed a sigh of happy relief.  Here's why…

1.     FINALLY - A ROUTINE!: I always thought I was a pretty cool live-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal, but after having kids, the monotonous value of a routine has taken over. The school holidays knocked me for six.  I physically got to the office maybe twice, and spent the rest of my ‘work time’ battling not to be disturbed while working from the end of the dining room table. I certainly didn’t do any not-for-profit blogging!! I don’t think I actually did much with the kids either.  In fact, I can’t really remember, it’s all such blur. Now school’s back, and so is the routine! We have times and schedules and shit actually happens.  It’s bliss.

2.     NO MORE DAILY SUPERMARKET TRIPS:  Is it just me, or are you always at the supermarket in the school holidays? I think Coles has an advantage over Woolies purely from my personal contribution to their bottom line. The holidays are a feeding frenzy for my kids – they simply don’t stop eating. We also attract lots of other kids to our home, or we gate crash theirs. Both scenarios require either having food or taking food, hence more shopping.  I can’t talk, because during this time, I also do lots of sitting around eating with friends. And drinking. Oops! When school goes back, everyone’s a winner. Me, my waist-line, my wallet. But not Coles.

3.     EARLY BED TIMES: My kids wake between 5.30 and 6am most days.  I can’t complain, because I often do too. However, when they don’t hit the sack until 9.30 or 10pm, which is often the case in school holidays, they’re pretty gnarly by the end of the day.  At least I can hold myself together! When school goes back, they’re so knackered by the end of the day that when I put them to bed at 7.30, they crash, like, immediately. Even in summer when it’s still light outside. And they actually go to bed smiling, which is also amazing.  I love school.

4.     ME TIME: Most of the time, it’s all about the kids. The minute those critters crawl out of you, you disappear into them. Which is mostly fabulous, but when they’re at school there’s an amazing window of me time just for you. Having spent the last 6 years scheduling my stuff into weird times that don’t interfere with the kids waking hours, I now have several days where I can do ‘me’ things in the middle of the day. Like sitting down to eat. Fancy that. Someone has suggested a matinee movie club. And bike riding. And kayak yoga. I know. It’s crazy. What the hell is it? I don’t know, but I might be able to try it now.

5.     SILENCE: This might be the craziest one of all the 5 things.  I’m sitting here at lunchtime on a Tuesday afternoon and I can hear the buzzing of the fridge. I can hear rain falling on something made from tin and water dripping through the filter of the fish tank.  I can hear the jackhammer of my neighbour’s builder carving into stone and I’m wishing it was mine. The builder that is.  Even better, I can’t hear any crying, screaming, fighting or songs from Barbie: the Princess and the Pop Star. And I haven’t heard  ‘Muuuuuuum’ for about 3 hours. Now this is living!

I do feel a tad guilty for not been the crying mum who sent her last born off to big school with the wave of a wet tissue, but I can’t help rejoicing just a little for the fact that I no longer have to be the mad, crazy, rushed-off-my-feet mum who forgets things and yells a lot and never feels like any job is quite finished. I’d rather forgo the sentimentality for the serenity, and I have back to school to thank for that.

5 Things about Christmas shopping

Waiting to be wrapped..it's only the beginning!

I finally started my Christmas shopping on the weekend.  There are 25 people on my list. You read right. T-W-E-N-T-Y  F-I-V-E. Now this blog isn't going to be about how crap it is to find parking, or how crowded the shopping centre is, this is the real hard bare ass-and-bones of my personal struggle each year to find something suitable, age-appropriate and cost effective for each of these 25 people...

1.  LITTLE GIRLS ARE EASY - Not my little girls - we'll get to them later, but other people's little girls, easy-as.  Make-up, craft, pencils, textas, anything from Smiggle. Diaries, bubble bath, perfume, nail polish, Barbie and any one of her thousand of accessories, ponies, sewing kits, doodle books, normal books, swimming costumes, hair accessories, I could go on forever. There's so much variety of girly things and better yet, there is a style of each item suitable for any age. Eg. There is make-up from 5 year olds to 95 year olds (think strawberry shortcake to Chanel). Ditto perfume. Ditto hair accessories. Ditto swimsuits. Get it?  Girls are easy.

2. YOU CAN'T BUY LEGO EVERY YEAR - Up to the age of about 9, it's acceptable to buy Lego for boys every single Christmas. Star Wars Lego, Harry Potter Lego, Pirates of the Caribbean Lego, Ninjago Lego, the Legos that look like machines. The ones that look like aliens. The ones that look like aliens' machines. In fact, in this age group, it's virtually impossible NOT to buy lego for a boy, as Lego takes up approximately 87.65% of the toy department. In a weird ironic twist, up until last year, lego was pretty much the only thing you couldn't buy for a girl. Other than the pony and stable Lego, there simply was no 'girl Lego.' Apparently it took 78 years to realise girls like building stuff too (?!).

3. OLDER BOYS ARE DIFFICULT - Now those Lego-loving boys are approaching their teens. Teenage boys like expensive stuff: surfboards, skateboards, X-Boxes and electrical things I can't afford because I have 24 other gifts to buy. So I resort to clothes. This is a real worry, because I only ever dress two little girls who are pretty happy with anything pretty and pretty well anything that's a dress. Boys however, especially boys who want to be cool and boys who aren't yet men and who I wouldn't even call blokes yet, they're difficult. I want them to like my gifts.  I want them to think I'm cool.  I certainly don't want my gifts to be opened and the kid to think 'gay.' (No offense to gay people - this is actually the kind of stuff they say). I can already feel a trip to the returns counter coming on, and then I probably will blog about the perils of parking and people in the pre-Christmas rush. Stay tuned.

4. I'LL NEVER FIND A GIFT MY DAD LIKES - I resigned myself to this a few years ago. There are three dad-giving events per year (Christmas, birthday, Father's Day). After about 32 years (that's 96 gifts), I finally realised I could never make him happy. Since then, I just buy him a case of beer and some lotto tickets for all 3 events. At Christmas, I might splash out with an expensive bottle of scotch, which he actually does appreciate. Last year I thought I was pretty cool, buying him a bottle that cost over $100 from Duty Free, but I was trumped by some young and apparently hot Brazilian chick who he'd recently done a job for, and who bought him the exact same bottle and gave it to him before Christmas. The bloody hide! Now I'm stuck again. And I might have to resort to clothes.

5. THE TOY DEPARTMENT SCARES ME - I spent about 50 minutes circling the toy department in Target. I used the bar code scanner about 6 times. I love that thing. I looked at the Barbie speedboat about 12 times. I called my husband, he didn't answer.  I looked at the speeedboat again and then moved on to the Dream House. I looked at that probably 21 times and still couldn't work out if my kids would like it. Then I looked at the Furreal Friend for $99 who walks on a lead. I wondered if I should get both girls one, even though only one had asked for it. I looped the aisle and went back for another look and then I realised we actually have a real dog, so they probably didn't need this imposter. I scanned something else, just for the hell of it, bought something for my niece and nephew and left without anything for my own kids because the toy department is so overwhelming it scares me. Except for the scanner, which I really, really, really love.

5 Things to love or hate about a Club Med holiday

How good is this shot?

We recently returned from a much needed and long-awaited family holiday. Eight days at Club Med Bali. People smirked when we told them. Some laughed outright. One actually said he wouldn't speak to me again. What's with the snobbery? I have five and six year old daughters. I'm not a backpacker. I'm not looking for a cheap full-leg tattoo and disappointingly I'm not in the market for a yoga retreat. Club Med was the only place I looked at. Judge after reading...

1.  IT'S FRENCH - Of course. You'll love this because it means delicious baguettes, loose-layered croissants and a variety of smelly, creamy scrummy cheeses. A week later, you may hate it for these exact reasons when you look at the size of your new arse. You may also hate the fact that the many French staff seem to be employed with the sole purpose of kissing the arses of French guests. Aussies don't get this treatment. We get a weird 'hellooo' each time we cross paths, which I actually preferred, because it left me free of bullshit small-talk with the handsome young strangers, whilst allowing me to appreciate their buns in tight white pants from afar. Pity there was no French Champagne though.

2.  MINI CLUB - There's nothing to hate about mini-club. It runs from 9am till Midnight (!), and the kids can go in or out whenever they like. Every day has a new theme and every evening ends with a spectacular spectacular from the kids or from the mini club organisers. Either way, parents can loll about in comfy lounge chairs drinking cocktails and clapping excessively when their kids hit the stage. The excessiveness of clapping is dependent on the number of cocktails consumed. It goes without saying that our children frequently received the amount of applause normally reserved for A-list mega-stars.

3.  ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - Club Med or not, you either love it or not.  I'm a notter, but even I was impressed on day 1. The Club Med smorgasboard is outrageously over the top. There are food stations for Chinese, Italian, Japanese, French and Indonesian cuisines. You mix these with a selection from the carvery, bakery or salad bar and top it off with a visit to the dessert bar. Embarrassingly, my partner and his travel pal made animals of themselves day and night. Not surprisingly, each brought home an extra 5kg and it wasn't in their luggage. If you love stuffing your face and have a 'something for nothing' mindset, you'll love Club Med smorgasboard. I just can't do overeating anymore, and wondered continuously about the over-consumption and wastage in comparison to the lacking about 100m down the road, but I guess that's typical of western hotels in third world countries, not just Club Med.

Every night, a new extravaganza to occupy them

4.  OPEN BAR - ALL DAY!  - The same unnamed person who put on 5kg also started each day with a poolside Bloody Mary. He finished it in the same place with a Margherita. LOVE THIS! The bar is open for a refreshing bevvy any time of day and it's all covered in the cost. While the sensible among us waited for an appropriate hour to relax with a Vodka and Lemon soda, the ability to have a few, poolside, beachside, inside or outside was marvellous. It was even better to do so knowing your children were safe, nearby and having just as much fun as you, only without the vodka. No need for unknown babysitters, late night taxi back to your hotel or a 'what to do after dinner?' scenario. There are activities for the kids till midnight, a show for all guests every night and your room is a short stumble through a beautiful garden away. What's to hate? Crap, crap, crap wine. That's all.

5.  THE CLUB MED SONG - It's so tacky it's hilarious. Every night, at the end of the show, the 'Chef of the Village' (hilarious in itself), leads the entire audience in a dance routine to one of the most kitsch songs imaginable. This is intended to kick off the evening celebrations, although at 10.30pm, it was our signal to hit the sack before the kids hit the wall. Again, you love it or hate it. Me?  I loved it! Just as you wear things you wouldn't normally be seen dead in, floss around without a skerric of make up and see how long you can get away without doing your hair, you get in there and fully embrace this kind of holiday kitsch - it's the stuff you will always remember. 

The verdict?  I couldn't imagine a more relaxing holiday with young kids. Once booked, you don't have to think of a single thing. There's no planning, scheduling, driving, running for buses, haggling for taxis or deciding where to eat. You can do as much or as little as you want. You come and go as you please. Your children are safe and entertained ALL the time.  I had me at 'you don't have to think,' and as far as mums go, I'm sure I'm not the only one. I heart Club Med. 

5 totally awesome things about yoga

Ahh, no. This is not me.

If you know me, you know I yoga.  I’ve been doing it in some capacity for about 12 years, and have just upped my dedication to 4 times a week. Yowser! It’s not everyone’s cup of chai, so I don’t like to harp on, but given it’s such a massive part of my life, it would be amiss not to blog about it at least once. So now I’m going to torture you with the 5 things I love about yoga, and then I’ll shut up about it.  Promise. 

1.     YOU CAN ARM WRESTLE BLOKES – I’m a small chick.  Some of the 5^th graders at my kids’ school are taller than me, and I could probably wear their clothes and shoes.  But I’m tough!  I can arm-wrestle grown men and if I don’t win, I put up a bloody good fight.  I can hold my own body weight in a manner of positions and do push-ups without having to go the lady version.  If things need to be lifted, moved or carried, I can do it, which is handy when you have two kids and the travelling caravan of crap that goes with them. I may be a pygmy person, but I’m a strong one. 

2.     IT’S A ONE-HOUR ISLAND RETREAT – Life’s bloody busy.  And sometimes hard and stressful and tiring.  Even when it’s none of those things, it’s still noisy.  Some people go on holidays to escape, and while I wouldn’t knock back a trip to Bali, an hour on my mat is almost the same. It’s pretty much the only time I’m quiet (like, ever!).  Not only am I quiet, I’m not focusing on my silly self and all that junk that goes with me. I just go with the flow, switch off, zone out and let time pass. It’s my daily peace and the closest to relaxed I am. Ever.

3.     YOU FINALLY ACCEPT YOUR BODY – Pre-kids I was like most women, constantly worried what my body looked like.  After carrying those kids, shooting, well, sort of having them tugged out, feeding them and watching them grow, I’m more amazed by what bodies do than what they look like. Lots of running and stacks of yoga later, I’m more amazed by this than ever. I can’t lie and pretend I don’t care at all about my body, but instead of bitching and sulking about the bits I don’t like, I'm more interested in how it’s working, what it can do and how it feels. This makes me happy. 

4.     IT’S OUT-OF-YOUR-COMFORT-ZONE EMPOWERING – Every class is different, and every practice is a path. Sometimes you’re just there, going through the motions, sometimes you’re off with the fairies or having a rest, but sometimes, you challenge yourself so hard that by the time you finish, you feel like you’ve conquered Mt Everest. Not that I have, but I imagine this is how it feels. You try things you wouldn’t normally try and push to do things that seem impossible and when it hurts and you want to stop, you just hang out and breathe until you realise you're doing it. You turn yourself into a pretzel and suddenly feel like you can do anything you want to. And then in the real world, you try to.  

5.     YOU FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY - At my yoga, just about everyone has a tattoo.  There’s lots of young, fit, type A personalities with dragons on their legs, lotus flowers on their backs and lovers’ names on their wrists and ankles. While I’m probably older than the average devotee and sport no body art other than shopping reminders on my hands or texta from the kids’ drawings, I still feel a lovely sense of belonging when I walk into the studio.  We’re all there for the same thing and have some connection to each other, if for no other reason than we continue to show up and do something we love together. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, without using butterscotch schnapps.

So there it is - my yoga rant.  I promise not to go on about it again, but F#@* I love it!  I need a bumper sticker that says ‘Yoga makes me happy.’  You think I could make a million bucks selling them? Maybe I’ll try.