5 Reasons to Love Thy Neighbour

Last weekend, we had a ‘street’ gathering. One kind and very persistent neighbour organised it while another kind and very accommodating one hosted.  Everyone else brought a plate, a bottle and a child or two. 10 households were represented. It was a BIG turnout.  As I hotfooted it home afterwards (a little on the sizzled side) I reflected on how lucky we are to have such a good bunch of people, not only in our street, but also in our extended neighbourhood. Then again, it’s not so much luck as a little cultivation, common decency, politeness and some good old-fashioned friendliness. Here are 5 reasons you should love, or at least get to know, your neighbour…

1.     BORROWED FOOD – It’s not just a sugar that warrants a knock on your neighbour’s door. In addition to emergency call-outs for tomato sauce during badly planned sausage sizzles, our fence has seen the passing of curry powder, bi-carb soda, soy sauce, food colouring, dogs, children and just yesterday, some butterfly band-aids. Neighbours are much closer, more convenient and cheaper than your local grocery store, especially late at night or when your recipe is almost cooked and the obscure final ingredient is not in your pantry.

2.     TEENAGE BABYSITTERS – Finding a teenage babysitter in your street is a ten-point bonus for everyone involved. You trust this whatever-comes- after-Gen Y’er and you know their family. You also know if anything goes awry, mum and dad are a few doors down to help. Speaking of Mum and dad, they’re relieved they don’t need to drive him/her to their babysitting gig, and you’re pleased not to be driving them home when you roll in after midnight. The teenager is pleased to use someone else’s wi-fi for uninterrupted live-chat on Facebook, and the kids don’t know any different because they’re normally in bed while all this takes place. Win-win, win, win, win.

3.     SAFETY HOUSE – Remember the ‘Neighbourhood Watch’ program? People volunteered to put a sign at their letterbox to tell kids it was OK to seek help there if needed. I hope they were police screened or something, but I was a kid back then, and don’t remember that bit… Wouldn’t you rather your kids actually know the people who live around you? That way, if they ever need to seek help on the streets of suburbia, they have a range of places to choose from and people they are comfortable and familiar with too. It’s not just for the sinister stuff either. An elderly neighbour once scraped me off the road and cleaned me up after I stacked my bike spectacularly outside her house. It’s times like these your kids will appreciate a familiar face, a warm hug and a bottle of dettol. Actually probably not the dettol.

4.     GOOD FRIENDS, FUN TIMES – As a kid, some of the best fun you ever have is with your neighbours. It’s like having siblings only without the rivalry. You roam around looking for adventure after school and during school holidays. You band together for trips on the school bus or walk to and from school in a pack each day. You spend weekends in each other’s backyards and swimming pools and eating dinner at one another’s tables. You make secret hideouts and cubby houses and generally have the childhood you’re supposed to have when you can roam and socialise in your surroundings without being scared of the ‘weirdos’ you might find outside your front door. 

5.     NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH – No, not the program I mentioned earlier, just actually

Our furry friend on a not-so-furry day

watching your neighbourhood. People who know one another look out for one another. If one neighbour is away, another might pick up their mail, take out their bins, babysit their fish or feed their guinea pigs. We’ve done all of these in our time. Our lovely neighbour has bravely offered to mind our beloved furry friend for 5 days while we’re away.  It also helps to have the eyes and ears of your neighbours just in case anything suspect really does happen. In a happy neighbourhood, everyone has each other’s back and you just feel...safe.

It sounds like utopia, but like I said at the beginning – I’m lucky. It’s not hard to be a good neighbour. If you’re a nice kinda person, you shouldn’t have to try. You don’t have to live on top of each other, but you do live beside each other, so better to hold hands, eh?

As a little side note – Does anyone remember the hilarious sit-com ‘Love Thy Neighbour.’  It’s retro gold. They’d never get away with this stuff now – check it out… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_gN7zlpnz8 

5 things that are NOT unisex

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In the age of metrosexuals, man-scaping and mankinis, when is enough enough?  I know not all blokes are blokey and I fully support a bit of healthy man-tenance, but some things are just plain womanly. At the risk of being politically incorrect or uncool (again), I’m going for some old fashioned sexual stereotyping, and asking why we women can’t just keep some things for ourselves. Things that are, well, womanly. Like these 5 things…

1.     Long fingernails – This one is funny because some men have nice, manicured slightly long fingernails that are neat, clean and polished, while other men have long filthy ones that show they can’t be bothered looking after themselves. I don’t know which is worse. Then there’s painted nails – a hot trend for young hipsters and try-hard middle-agers that’s 50 shades of wrong. Probably the worst of all is the intentional long pinky nail, which we all know can only serve two purposes. One involves the nose and boogey, the other involves the nose and white substances. When it comes to nails, men only need to trim them, and keep them clean. Surely that’s not too much to ask? 

2.   Earrings: Not even George Michael and Andrew Ridgely could pull this off, and that was the 80s. Earrings are eternally womanly, and moreso in both ears. Embarrassingly, my husband once sported this look (again, the 80s), and tried to revive it for a fancy dress last year. I was mortified. He even tried to re-pierce the closed holes. Even more mortified. He thought it was hilarious. If you’re a pirate, earrings might match your look. If you’re a heterosexual suburban dad with a 4WD, a surfboard and a bus-pass to get to work, give it up and leave earrings for the ladies.

3.     Rolled up jeans: Fashion forward young men everywhere - and they really are everywhere – seem obsessed with showing off their ladylike ankles. Mankles. They roll up their stovepipe jeans, which look great in black, but are now appearing in mustard, beige or ‘brick’, and they go sockless. Their mankles are sometimes hairless too, because their legs are waxed, but more on that later. Unless you’re a founding member of One Direction, or you’re running along the beach in an Enrique video-clip, please don’t roll your jeans up.  Especially if they’re tight.  It’s effeminate.

4.     Sandals and sarongs – Not if you’re in Hawaii, Tahihti or Tonga. Actually maybe Tonga, but only if you’re Tongan. Jesus, of course sported sandals wherever he went, but he had the good sense to pair them with a toga, not a sarong that showed his moobs. Those ‘sport’ sandals that cost $2.50 from Phuket markets might be OK for men who are backpacking around Asia and can’t stand trekking in 38-degree temps wearing sneakers and socks. They’re also acceptable because of the holiday clothing paradox whereby you often wear things you wouldn’t be caught dead in at home. But the sarong? Not even on holiday. What's wrong with shorts?

5.     Hair Removal – I’ve known men who have their backs or necks waxed, and that’s OK, because you feel for a dude who looks like they’re wearing a T-Shirt when they’re actually naked. Then, after the glam-rock days of the 90s, hairy chests started disappearing (Jon Bon Jovi, anyone?) and body hair on men started going waaaay out of fashion. In the 90s, the ‘back, sack and crack’ wax found popularity, and it simply hasn’t stopped. Now they get their eyebrows and legs waxed too! Is this going to far? Aren't men men because they’re hairier than women?  It’s hormonal. It’s animal. It’s one of those things men are just supposed to have and women...well, hopefully we have less.  

The bottom line is, I love men who look after themselves. I love men who know how to dress even more, but I still like men to look like men. Having said that, after I wrote this list, I watched last week's recording of channel 10's  Can of Worms. Kris Smith – that gorgeously pruned and plucked specimen of modern manliness was wearing… rolled up jeans with no socks! I saw his mankles and they looked hairless. And he still looked like a man. A really, really, really, reaaaaally good looking man. And that might just be the key...

5 Things about Christmas shopping

Waiting to be wrapped..it's only the beginning!

I finally started my Christmas shopping on the weekend.  There are 25 people on my list. You read right. T-W-E-N-T-Y  F-I-V-E. Now this blog isn't going to be about how crap it is to find parking, or how crowded the shopping centre is, this is the real hard bare ass-and-bones of my personal struggle each year to find something suitable, age-appropriate and cost effective for each of these 25 people...

1.  LITTLE GIRLS ARE EASY - Not my little girls - we'll get to them later, but other people's little girls, easy-as.  Make-up, craft, pencils, textas, anything from Smiggle. Diaries, bubble bath, perfume, nail polish, Barbie and any one of her thousand of accessories, ponies, sewing kits, doodle books, normal books, swimming costumes, hair accessories, I could go on forever. There's so much variety of girly things and better yet, there is a style of each item suitable for any age. Eg. There is make-up from 5 year olds to 95 year olds (think strawberry shortcake to Chanel). Ditto perfume. Ditto hair accessories. Ditto swimsuits. Get it?  Girls are easy.

2. YOU CAN'T BUY LEGO EVERY YEAR - Up to the age of about 9, it's acceptable to buy Lego for boys every single Christmas. Star Wars Lego, Harry Potter Lego, Pirates of the Caribbean Lego, Ninjago Lego, the Legos that look like machines. The ones that look like aliens. The ones that look like aliens' machines. In fact, in this age group, it's virtually impossible NOT to buy lego for a boy, as Lego takes up approximately 87.65% of the toy department. In a weird ironic twist, up until last year, lego was pretty much the only thing you couldn't buy for a girl. Other than the pony and stable Lego, there simply was no 'girl Lego.' Apparently it took 78 years to realise girls like building stuff too (?!).

3. OLDER BOYS ARE DIFFICULT - Now those Lego-loving boys are approaching their teens. Teenage boys like expensive stuff: surfboards, skateboards, X-Boxes and electrical things I can't afford because I have 24 other gifts to buy. So I resort to clothes. This is a real worry, because I only ever dress two little girls who are pretty happy with anything pretty and pretty well anything that's a dress. Boys however, especially boys who want to be cool and boys who aren't yet men and who I wouldn't even call blokes yet, they're difficult. I want them to like my gifts.  I want them to think I'm cool.  I certainly don't want my gifts to be opened and the kid to think 'gay.' (No offense to gay people - this is actually the kind of stuff they say). I can already feel a trip to the returns counter coming on, and then I probably will blog about the perils of parking and people in the pre-Christmas rush. Stay tuned.

4. I'LL NEVER FIND A GIFT MY DAD LIKES - I resigned myself to this a few years ago. There are three dad-giving events per year (Christmas, birthday, Father's Day). After about 32 years (that's 96 gifts), I finally realised I could never make him happy. Since then, I just buy him a case of beer and some lotto tickets for all 3 events. At Christmas, I might splash out with an expensive bottle of scotch, which he actually does appreciate. Last year I thought I was pretty cool, buying him a bottle that cost over $100 from Duty Free, but I was trumped by some young and apparently hot Brazilian chick who he'd recently done a job for, and who bought him the exact same bottle and gave it to him before Christmas. The bloody hide! Now I'm stuck again. And I might have to resort to clothes.

5. THE TOY DEPARTMENT SCARES ME - I spent about 50 minutes circling the toy department in Target. I used the bar code scanner about 6 times. I love that thing. I looked at the Barbie speedboat about 12 times. I called my husband, he didn't answer.  I looked at the speeedboat again and then moved on to the Dream House. I looked at that probably 21 times and still couldn't work out if my kids would like it. Then I looked at the Furreal Friend for $99 who walks on a lead. I wondered if I should get both girls one, even though only one had asked for it. I looped the aisle and went back for another look and then I realised we actually have a real dog, so they probably didn't need this imposter. I scanned something else, just for the hell of it, bought something for my niece and nephew and left without anything for my own kids because the toy department is so overwhelming it scares me. Except for the scanner, which I really, really, really love.

5 things about same-sex siblings

Must I buy a new one every time?  Anyone want them?

I was recently in one of those conversations with some soon-to-be-second-time parents, when they were asked if they knew the sex of their unborn child. Of course they did - it would be a boy, to go with their lovely little girl. This was followed by the usual oohs and ahhs, starting with ‘now you’ll have one of each,’ and ending with ‘just as long as it’s healthy.’ Personally, I'm of the mind that you get what you get and you love it regardless. Having said that, as a mum of two girls born very close together, I see pros and cons for same-sex siblings each and every day - from everyone’s point of view!  Here are 5 of them…

1.     RE-USABLE TOYS – On the plus side for baby number 1, she gets mountains of brand new everything; toys, books, games, puzzles, DVDs, Barbies, ponies.  You name it, she’s got it. New. On the downside, she has to share it all with a slobbering infant.  The upside for the slobbering infant is that she gets to play with things that are just beyond her skillset, making her a fast learner and turning her into a baby genius. The downside is they may be pre-coated in slobber and year-old mashed banana and if they actually still work, they’re likely to be in need of new batteries, which Dad is never going to replace.

2.     HAND-ME-DOWNS – Baby girl number two is the unwitting recipient of tonnes of used and unused clothing.  While previously spewed-on Bonds baby rompers may not bother her as a 6 month old, the jeggings that weren’t cool enough for Miss 6 and the stockings that made her legs itchy just give Miss 5 the shits. The real winner here is that mecca for children’s fashion, Target, because with the usual pangs of motherly guilt, I inevitably over-shop for Miss 5 during every 20% Off Kids Clothing Sale, only to return days later when I realise Miss 6 will be walking the streets practically naked in comparison to her decked out fashionista younger sister.  

3.     BIRTHDAY CANDLES & CAKES – Do you re-use the red and white numeric candle you’ve bought every year for your firstborn?  It’s only been used for a moment before being blown out with 15 kids’ spit and shoved back in the cupboard, but when your next child turns one there’s something that screams ‘TIGHT-WAD’ if you re-use it. Ditto the cake.  Does it matter if they get different versions of Dolly Varden or different colours of the Princess Castle? Of course it does! They’re indi-bloody-viduals, and you can’t fool them with a different shade of icing. So far I’ve clocked one Dolly Varden, one princess castle, one sand castle, ponyland, a fairy garden, the Number 1, a toadstool house and a replica of Boo Boo – my second child’s teddy bear.  Seriously, I'm surprised and impressed myself!

4.     SCHOOL UNIFORMS – Number 2 will be starting school next year, presenting another conundrum; new or recycled uniform? When your first one starts school, you love how perfect, girlish and nerdy she looks in her navy and white dress with matching hat and little socks.  The winter uniform is even more exciting because the navy and grey pinafore, hat and stockings remind you of the French girl in the Petit Miam commercial, but altogether it amounts to about $250 and you know it’s just going to get trashed and washed and washed trashed and tumbled dried forty thousand times.  Surely last years’ stuff is OK, isn’t it?  Then again, if number two was a boy, this wouldn’t even be an issue, would it?  Can you see where I’m going with this?  Can someone please get me my wallet?

5.     SEEING DOUBLE – The negatives: Sometimes, they just loooove the same thing.  It’s usually something very annoying and faddish.  Dizzy dancers, Zhu Zhu pets, Mermaid Barbie or baby Care Bears in balls. This means you have to buy two of each, otherwise someone’s going to end up with a patch of hair missing (Yes. Girls pull hair. It’s not cliché, it’s very real and painful). This is costly and doubly annoying when one sibling loses or breaks their precious object and the other refuses to share the surviving one. The positives: Sometimes you get two for one deals, so you can avoid arguments AND save money.  This applies to meals and transport and extends to toys and clothes. Basically, you buy two but in different colours or styles. Unfortunately when it comes to clothing, this leads to a certain kind of Von Trapp-ism, which I’m sure is a mega downer for the kids! 

 The moral of the story?  I don't think there is one this week.  Just that whatever your family gender mix, there are going to be crazy moments, blissful moments, arguments, shared toys and shared spit.  As long as everyone retains their hair, everything is fine. Except for Dads, who might have no choice in the matter.

5 things I wish I could ...

I don’t like the C word.  I try not to use it and I strongly discourage my kids from using it. I’m a yes-person, a can-doer.  The C word, ‘Can’t’ just doesn’t cut it - there simply must, must be a way!  Lately though, I’m starting to choke on my C’s. I may soon have to admit there are some things that no matter how I try, I just…well, you know. Not the way I want to anyway.  Everyone has their thing. These definitely aren’t mine. 

I really, really wish I could…   

1.     COOK LIKE MY MOTHER – We recently had international guests, and in the space of a week, my mother and I each hosted them for dinner.  I did my best trying-to-entertain-mass-numbers spread; three varieties of entree, a roast beef main, green salad and baked potatoes that once again failed to cook through. The dessert from the patissiere was the dish of the night. 3 days later at mum’s, we were treated to prawn linguine, eggplant parmegiana, rolled and stuffed pork belly, 2 varieties of salad and a plate of perfectly steamed greens. We ate in silence except for snorting sounds from people whose mouths were too full to breathe, and intermittent requests for seconds. Then the homemade tiramisu came out.  Mum blows me out of the water.  She’s amazing! Cooking is totally her thing. Mum CAN.  I c…ook.  Just not like her.

2.     MEDITATE – After 40 Days of Personal Revolution (hence my hiatus from this blog) I still couldn’t manage to be still without thinking, fidgeting, wondering what to cook for dinner, listing my chores for the next two hours, scheduling the kids activities for the next two days and wondering why my boobs hang out of sports bras more than the other ladies’ at yoga. Why?  Why can’t I shut up, even when I put aside time to do so? Is it because I’m fascinating with extremely important stuff to say about all the big issues? I don’t think so.  For meditation, I c… am continuing to try.  You may hear more about it some day, unless I actually master it, because then I’ll be too zen to write a narcissistic blog like this. 

3.     HAVE SOME QUIRKY, ECLECTIC COOL – Do you sometimes go to people’s homes and think wow – awesome chair.  Cool rug.  Great picture.  Each ‘piece’ has been carefully selected, has a meaning or experience attached to it and tells a little story about its owner. There’s nothing from Freedom, Target, and definitely not K-Mart, and nothing bought as a set. They are the pieces of the quirky and eclectic owners life and have just been thrown together for a fabulous look of fabulousness. And uniqueness.  And individuality.  Some people do it with clothes too.  They just know what goes, and more specifically what says ‘this is who I am.’ I love those people. Sadly, I’m not one of them.  

4.     SAY NO – I’m getting better at this but it’s still an almost daily dilemma.  People invite me to things - a quick cuppa, a long dinner, a play at the park, a tupperware party, baby shower, bridal shower, personal shower, whatever, I’m invited, and I always feel compelled to go. Yes, yes, yes!  Yes I’ll come, even if it means leaving one place early, eating lunch in the car, making 3 phone calls at the wheel, dropping the dog off in between and turning up in my sweaty gym gear because I had no time to change. Sure, I’ll be there. The problem is I often end up double, sometimes triple booked, can’t relax at any one thing, feel overwhelmed, forget stuff and wind up buggered at the end of the day. It' a double-dilemma because not only do I have to master saying ‘no’ I also have to say the C word.  “Thank you, but no.  I can’t make it to your party.”  Copy/Paste, send.

5.     KEEP MY COOL WITH THE KIDS – Staying calm in the face of stupidity, defiance, frustration, revolt, manipulation, complete ignorance and frequent bouts of hysteria is a real challenge.  Weeks go by, and I’m patient, capable and reasonable, but sometimes I go from semi-comatose to breathing fire within a half hour of waking because sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just CAN’T keep my cool with the kids!

Insightful endnotes…

I love saying I can. Doing and achieving is empowering. Trying and failing is enlightening. Can’t sucks. Of course you can. But it might not be perect. Or pretty.

And FYI, when I make calls at the wheel, I have a hands-free car kit.

Just so you know.

5 Things you buy because you feel guilty

I don't know if I'm some kind of sucker, or if this happens to everyone, but I often find myself forking out cash for things I don't really want, and then feeling crap about it afterward.  The reason?  Some smart-arsed sales assistant has worked out how to push my guilt buttons, of which there are many, forcing me into a purchase of something ridiculous, unneeded and overpriced. Does this happened to you?  Here's a few ways it can..


1.  BEAUTY AND FACE STUFF - You rarely treat yourself to a facial, so when you do, you want to lie down, relax, switch off and be pampered.  You don't want to be told your skin looks dry. You don't want to be told about fine lines or wrinkles - especially if they're yours.  You don't want to hear that after 30 your skin starts losing elasticity and after 40 it no longer regenerates itself. You certainly don't want to be asked if you'd consider botox. And when the therapist asks what you use to care for your skin, you lie, because you don't want to admit that you would never cleanse, tone, exfoliate and moisturise, even if you were at a Nutrimetics party, and that's why your skin is so sallow, you have bags under your eyes, big pores, lots of little lines and the occasional zit. So when she tells you your skin 'just gobbled up' the $650 worth of 'nutrients' she sloshed on your face, you grudgingly buy the cheapest one and go home with a shiny face and empty purse.

2.  HAIRCARE PRODUCTS - You go to the hairdresser which is already exorbitantly expensive, and you sit in the chair for 2 and a half hours, and somewhere during the conversation about your hairdresser's love-life and your kids' gymnastics prowess, you hear that your hair is dry. Or yellowed.  Or weak, or frizzy or split or something generally unpleasant which makes you feel like only half a woman. So when you hit reception with your wallet open and the new product for frizzy, weak, split and unpleasant hair comes out, you shell out, not just for the  cut, colour and blow-dry, but also for a product you would never have normally bought and which you will inevitably use only for a week before shoving it to the bask of your bathroom cupboard with the other 33 similarly unused haircare products.  Because you are only half a woman.  Half mum, half woman.

3.  SHOE CARE PRODUCTS - No one is actually in the market for these.  They're a pure, pure upsell.  Just like spray and chamois cleaners for your sunglasses - both of which I've been guilted into buying.  This time the sneaky salesperson is suggesting you don't have the panache to look after your special stuff, and you DO have panache, you know it! This is what happens: You've just bought these fantastic leather boots.  Ooooh, aaaah, aren't they lovely, you're going to look gorgeous, what a great buy with such soft Italian leather, and such a great price, but are you going to buy the leather care?  Oh you must, or they simply won't last. They're so superb and you're pretty much going to go out and trash them tomorrow with your cheap, non leather-caring ways aren't you?  So you'd better buy that stinky spray with enough chemical fumes to kill a baby chicken, and use it, otherwise risk wearing half-baked boots that match your half-baked attitude. Sold.

5. ULTIMATE CAR WASH - Your car is covered in bird and possum shit.  Ok, yours may not be, but mine is. Inside the car - and no-one with kids can deny this - you could collect enough biscuit crumb to make cheesecake, there are lolly wrappers from the last 15 party bags your kids received, plus the actual bags themselves. There's general shoe-dirt, a few pencils, hair clips, some works of art and a few of the craft items from kindy that were too ugly to bring into the house.  Yes?  So when you say 'standard thanks,' and the guy at the car wash takes one look and goes 'need polish,' you feel guilty and embarrassed and you say, 'of course. OK.'  Then you go get your coffee and when you come back an hour later, the car looks fabulous and the cashier says '$95 thanks,' and you crap yourself wondering how you're going to explain that to your husband, which of course you're not going to, because you'll keep it to yourself and feel guilty about that too!

5.  DISNEY PRINCESS STUFF - I can't stand the cheesiness, the princess-ness and the crappiness of this stuff but my house is full of it!  The worst are the movies, which undo years of hard work teaching your girls to be strong independent young chicks, and in less than an hour, impart the high value of being beautiful, rich and wearing pretty stuff. They also teach that rich people are always happy, well dressed and have good luck in love. Poor people are generally sad and unattractive, and are orphans or motherless, which takes alot of explaining. If they have a mother she's mostly awful or not the real mother and still awful, which requires even more explaining. So when you try not to buy this shit and it's the first thing your kid looks at, and the salesperson shakes her head and says 'It's not for you, it's for her," (this actually happened to me), you buy the Disney Princess bedspread, and take it home where it will live happily ever after with the DP beach towel, DP lunchbox, DP shoes, make-up, singlets, gumboots and colouring-in pads.

5 Things grown women should remember before a girl's night out

 After the hard yards of early mummy-hood, when the babies are no longer on boob, the nights aren’t so sleepless and 'the day after' involves school or pre-school, mummies everywhere are taking advantage and heading out for a good old-fashioned hoo-ha.  A bunch of girls, a bunch of drinks, and a bunch of laughs.  I did one of these last week with some of the best and funniest chicks in the world, and it reminded me there are some things grown women seem to forget somewhere between that fourth drink and home time that really ought to be remembered... 

 

1.     YOUNG MEN DON’T NEED LIFE COACHING – At some stage during the night, some poor bastard – often a waiter, bar person or the bloke you ‘borrowed’ a cigarette from because you don’t smoke – ends up at your table copping an earful of advice. They seem to like volunteering information about the girlfriend who wants to have kids/doesn’t want to have kids/wants to get married/won’t get married/the girl they’re trying to chase/dump etc. As the motherly mothers you are, you can’t help but offer your incredible wisdom, loudly, and generally all at once. Imagine your husband sitting there while 4 half drunk buzzards screech their recommendations for his future!?! It’s an unusual phenomenon, but weirdly, it often results in a prize - a couple of cigarettes for later consumption, an extra bottle of wine or in special cases, a discount on your bill!    

2.     BOUNCERS REALLY DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR ID – Bouncers ask for ID from people who look under 21.  You have had children.  You have bags under your eyes.  You have a skirt that covers more than your arse and are carrying a jacket for later when it gets cold.  YOU ARE CLEARLY OVER 21!  They’re not going to ask, so keep it in your wallet.  Under no circumstances should you pull it out and ask them if they want to have a little look, as this will result in the suggestion that you and your friends  move right along because you are clearly too intoxicated to attend this very classy establishment. 

3.     IT’S STILL NOT COOL TO DANCE AROUND YOUR HANDBAGS – In fact, I don’t even think having a handbag is cool.  I don’t know where girls carry their crap these days, but no-one seems to have a bag.  They don’t shove money and lipstick down their tops either, because there’s not enough fabric to hold it there. It could be shoved down their FMBs – the only thing that covers a significant amount of flesh.  My husband once told me that I was obviously the oldest woman in the bar because I was wearing a scarf.  I said it was winter.  He just said ‘you’re old’.  But back to the bags.  Don’t put them on the floor.  Don’t step touch around them.  Don’t flash-dance, slam dance or attempt to pole dance around them either.  They’ll just get beer and vomit and shoe muck on them anyway, and by now your bag should be expensive enough that you don’t want that kind of crap anywhere near it.  Put your money in your bra.  At least you’re wearing one.

4.     RESTAURANTS DON’T SERVE FOOD AFTER 10PM NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BEG – Because you shared the mezze plates or went for the set menu tapas, and because you spent most of your time either talking or drinking, when midnight hits (unless you’re on the dance-floor with your money down your bra) you’re absolutely starving and there’s nowhere to get food.  You can beg the guys putting chairs on tables, you can ask to see the manager and you can tell them you’ll put your complaint in writing, but no-one, I repeat no-one, is getting back into a kitchen to make you a meal.  Especially not the way you look by this time sister, no matter how hot you thought you were 6 hours ago. 

5.     PIZZA, KEBABS AND MEAT PIES HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN THE WORLD – After the final restaurant rejection, you realise you’ll need to embark on a search for the best food you can possibly find.  The smell usually gets you first, but only after an infinite period of walking, after which time you’re pretty much ready to eat your own leg.  Hence, regardless of the type of food you find, it will taste like absolute heaven, and you will eat lots of it, very quickly, speaking loudly about how good it is to anyone who’ll listen.  The next day you’ll have happy recollections of this clandestine activity, as will those around you, as the whiff of garlic wafts up now and then as a reminder.  One word of warning: avoid Indian Take-Away at all costs, especially Chicken Tikka, otherwise, you may find a little more than a whiff popping up to remind you of the night before!

5 things you'll only experience once in your lifetime

Lately, I’ve been having lots of conversations about the timing of things in our lives. Deep, I know.  Lots of stuff about how some things are forever, some are for a short time and others are just for once.  It’s the ‘once-only’ stuff that got me thinking. Although advertisers will tell you almost anything is once-in-a-lifetime, there aren’t many things that actually are. It was difficult to come up with this list, but here are 5 things I can think of that will truly only ever happen to you once.  (Of course, I could have included death, but I’m not sure we really experience it, plus it’s just dismal).  If you can think of more, please add them as a comment! 

1.     BIRTH – Sadly, we’re not really in the moment for this one.  Maybe because our bodies are being squeezed through a tube like a sausage through a needle. Or because our heads are squished through a hole like a tennis ball through a piping bag.  Or just because you’re pulled from a warm, safe, peaceful existence into a bright, loud world where all you can hear is yourself crying.  OK.  I retract my opening sentence. Perhaps it’s best that we only experience this once, and that the memory is stored far, far away in that amazingly programmed machine called the mind.

2.     FIRST LOVE – In this we are ever so present because it normally happens in the teenage years, when every emotion is heightened.  The joy, the lust, the longing and the inevitable pain when it all falls apart are experienced on an acute level unlikely to be repeated in your lifetime.  It’s giddy, giddy uncontrollable giddiness, accompanied by insecurity, uncertainty and pure bliss.  Sure, you’ll fall in love again and again, but every time afterwards will be influenced in some way by this very first time, so kids, if you’re reading (and you’re probably not), make it count!   Maybe mum or dad can pass that one on!

3.     YOUR FIRST KISS – So it looks like we’re working in a life-stage pattern, but here’s a most disappointing reality; you will only ever experience your first kiss once.  Unlike falling in love, which covers a period of months to years, your first kiss lasts only a few moments to minutes.  My first one was in an old-school shopping centre photo booth.  Caught on film.  Way before Paris Hilton and those bloody Kardashians made it popular. (I guess I missed my time).  Anyhoo, it was nerve-wracking, butterflies-in- your-tummy yummy weightlessness, and I’ll never forget it, and while I can only speak of this one experience, most people I know tell me the same thing.  Never-had-it-since innocent, nervous bliss.  

4.     LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY – This one is probably more subjective…Unlike falling in love and first kisses, but very much like being born, I’m glad this only happens once.  It’s a one-word reason.  AWKWARD!  It’s clumsy, weird and full of pressure; good or not good.  Where, when?  Right time, right place, right person?  Does it ever live up to the expectation?  Perhaps if there was no expectation it would be better, but it’s generally so built up by the time you get there that the weirdness overshadows the experience.  Next time is better.  And the next, and the next, but you’ve gotta start somewhere, huh?

5.     MEETING YOUR NEWBORN–The culmination of all this loving, kissing and mating brings us back to point number 1, birth.  Poetic really, and I didn’t even plan it.  Although technically you can do this once, twice, even 14 times if you’re that weird octomum in the USA, the first time you hold each new baby in your arms is a significant and never-to-be-had again moment.  Each child you bear is a unique little individual, and the first time you lay eyes on that special person is infused with emotion, meaning and thought. Yes, some of those thoughts are ‘glad that’s over, I’d love a shower and a nap,’ but most are observing, nuzzling and checking out the squirmy little creature in your arms, sizing each other up and setting up one of the most important relationships of your entire lifetime.  Treasure it.  You only get that time once.

So after struggling to find my 5 things, I’ve come up with something rather philosophical: every moment of your life is once-in-a-lifetime.  There are the big moments, like the ones on this list, but the reality is, you’ll never get a single moment back once it’s passed.  So I learned something from this: to accept that every moment is fleeting, to enjoy the moments you love, and to know the others will pass.  I told you this was deep.